Forcing food down my throat so I won't choke on my tears.

I hate it when we have a fight, I am the only one to be reduced to tears.

It was terrible. I could always come up with a plan even though it may not be good, but at least I had something to fall back to. Just now, I was lost in my own writing. My own writing.

I went on and on about the same point not because I dont have another point but just that it vanished from my mind while I was harping on the old point. At a point in time, I was actually ashamed of my essay because it honestly is an insult not only to my intellect but also to his abilities as a teacher. I was so tempted to not hand it in, knowing that it will only be a waste of his time reading it.

After the paper, I couldn't not meet his eyes.

There is only this number of times that one can convince herself to keep going after setbacks.

There is only this number of times that one look on the brighter side of life and admit, 'ok, I am not good in this area, but I am good in that.'

There is only this number of times that encouragement from friends can take you through anything.

At some point of time, she wonders if she is really that good, or is she even good.

Hanging on to her past achievements, she finds herself lost in others' shadows, struggling to distinct herself from those that are just drifting by..

So Hard.

Everyone said it's not going to be easy, but no one said it was going to be this hard. I kind of expect something like this to happen but not to such a great extent. How is it possible that no matter what or how I do it, I can never seem to get it?

I would consider my life to be smooth-sailing until maybe recently. True, I had setbacks but nothing too great that I can't overcome. And, I always had this group of super-friends to be with me through it all. No matter what happens, I always had that weird confidence that I will pull through. I really need that faith in myself now.

I think it's partially the change in environment, new friends, new routine (or the lack of) that is throwing me off balance and I really wish I can find the strength to make all these right again, to regain control of my world again.

I'm not used to feeling so helpless and I don't know what to do about it.

I want to play, but not like that.
I want to win, but not this way.
Not this way.








We try to take it slow
But we're still losin control
And we try to make it work
But it still isn't the worst
And I'm craaazzzy
For tryin to be your laaadddy
I think I'm goin crazy

Training

We got to believe in each other and work for each other.


I guess the whole point of training is to correct our mistakes and work on our weaknesses. And I totally missed the whole point of it today.

A reminder [unfinished]

The events of yesterday brought back a lot of memories from the past, specifically that fateful day in 2006, where my team got eliminated from the 1st round of Netball Nationals.

As a young kid, the world I know of is really tiny and I thought that I can achieve anything as long as I work hard enough. This ignorance about everything made life then so much easier and more fun. I played netball because I love playing netball and I love my team. If I remember correctly, we got North Zone 2nd and I felt that was quite remarkable. I thought that we could achieve the same results in Nationals. How gullible was I.

There were 3 matches in the preliminary round. First game against Marymount and we lost. We didn't play well. We won the second game so the third game was the deciding game if we could proceed to the next round. The opponent (I can't seem to remember which school, I think my brain is trying to protect me from bad memories but anyway) is strong and somehow, deep in our hearts we knew that even at our best, they might still not have a chance. Nevertheless, the team fought all the way to the end, hanging on to the little hope given by our ignorance, that we can win this game if we want it bad enough. When the final whistle blew and the other team didn't jump in joy, I thought we had it. Thinking back now, I can't believe how stupid I was. I thought we won.

But the truth soon came crashing down on me. Tears kept flowing and no amount of encouraging words and hugs made me feel an ounce better. Despair escalated when my Coach tried to hold back her tears but failed and ran to the washroom. That is the worse. Really. All along, my Coach was the one who encouraged us, gave us confidence and made us worked hard and harder. She believed in us. To see our pillar of support fall, that was really the worse feeling ever, not because we didn't win but because we let her down. And I, the captain, had the greatest responsibility. After that, everything was a blur. I vaguely remember the other team getting punished and the other Coach coming over to thank us, saying we truly played a good game of netball, unlike his team. But that did not not matter anymore.

When I was finally able the survey that day's event objectively, I told myself to never let that happen again, no matter what. I am determined to play in a team that will not lose, that will not disappoint and no doubt IJ was the right choice. Of course, in my 4 years of netball in IJ, I did have some regrets, but none was as poignant as that in P6. Maybe because I had the idea that if we don't play well, up to our standard, Coach will get angry obviously, but that will be all. After all, she had coached so many teams and must have been through many disappointments, and it won't matter as much to her if we didn't play well. To a certain extent, my image of Coach was devoid of most human feelings.

Until yesterday, Coach is my eyes was strong and formidable, nothing, nothing can ever take her down. But when she sent that text message, saying those particular words, I didn't know how to react. That was not the Coach I knew. There is a crack that I never saw in my pillar of support. Suddenly, there was a strong need to defend her, to show her that things are not as bad as they seem, she can still count on us.

Agree?

Entertaining advertisements can affect consumer choice because they attract attention and thus boost the popularity of the goods they advertise. However, it rarely happens simply because consumers are more rational than advertisers give credit for. No one in her right mind will change her shampoo brand, which has solved the persisting dandruff problem and on top of that, made her hair soft and smooth just because the advertisement for another shampoo brand is entertaining. It would be downright foolish to base any decision on such superficial factor. Thus, many a times, entertaining advertisements remain as only entertainment.

So True!

The one word that best describes Inspectors is superdependable. Whether at home or at work, Inspectors are extraordinarily persevering and dutiful, particularly when it comes to keeping an eye on the people and products they are responsible for. In their quiet way, Inspectors see to it that rules are followed, laws are respected, and standards are upheld.

Inspectors (as much as ten percent of the general population) are the true guardians of institutions. They are patient with their work and with the procedures within an institution, although not always with the unauthorized behavior of some people in that institution. Responsible to the core, Inspectors like it when people know their duties, follow the guidelines, and operate within the rules. For their part, Inspectors will see to it that goods are examined and schedules are kept, that resources will be up to standards and delivered when and where they are supposed to be. And they would prefer that everyone be this dependable. Inspectors can be hard-nosed about the need for following the rules in the workplace, and do not hesitate to report irregularities to the proper authorities. Because of this they are often misjudged as being hard-hearted, or as having ice in their veins, for people fail to see their good intentions and their vulnerability to criticism. Also, because Inspectors usually make their inspections without much flourish or fanfare, the dedication they bring to their work can go unnoticed and unappreciated.

While not as talkative as Supervisor Guardians [ESTJs], Inspectors are still highly sociable, and are likely to be involved in community service organizations, such as Sunday School, Little League, or Boy and Girl Scouting, that transmit traditional values to the young. Like all Guardians, Inspectors hold dear their family social ceremonies-weddings, birthdays, and anniversaries - although they tend to be shy if the occasion becomes too large or too public. Generally speaking, Inspectors are not comfortable with anything that gets too fancy. Their words tend to be plain and down-to-earth, not showy or high-flown; their clothes are often simple and conservative rather than of the latest fashion; and their home and work environments are usually neat, orderly, and traditional, rather than trendy or ostentatious. As for personal property, they usually choose standard items over models loaded with features, and they often try to find classics and antiques - Inspectors prefer the old-fashioned to the newfangled every time.

Something to think about.

'Why would anyone make such a big deal of such supperficial things she would never understand. She thought everyone was beautiful - and not just in some ridiculously saintly way wherein she believes everyone had a beautiful soul. No. Allegra truly believe most of the people she met were beautiful to look at - who cared about a few pounds here and there, a crooked nose or a weird mole? She loved looking at people. She thought they were gorgeous.' Bloody Valentine by Melissa de Cruz

>:(

I don't like it when I am not given a choice. Absolutely despise it. Hate it even more when the decision made for me affects whatever original plan I had. What's worse is the person who made the choice desperately needs things to be that way and she is being extraordinary nice to me after I 'agreed' to help. However, in her efforts to make it up to me, it only makes me look nothing less than a selfish spoilt brat.

You must be thinking at this point of time that I am actually the selfish spoilt brat I was referring to, but what if the whole situation I just described has happened one too many times?

Hm..

"It is better to trust and face betrayal than to remain skeptical of everything and everybody." ~Misuided Angels, a Blue Blood novel by Melissa de Cruz

And it takes a lot of courage to be able to face everything with an open heart, especially when one has faced betrayal time and again. Yet, it is undeniably important to risk heartaches, as it is probably the only way to uncover the gifts of life; and it is exactly because those heartaches that we treasure the gifts more than anything.

You know what, be daring and take a chance today. Be happy tomorrow that you are not where you were the day before, even if where you are is probably not the most desirable of all places. Good luck!