Just another thought

I was working for my mother at the warehouse today. The job is very simple, just obtain a sticker from the sheet of stickers and paste it on the bottle. It is a really brainless job because you just repeat the same thing over and over again for thousands of times. I am absolutely not exaggerating about the numbers.

The only thing that is probably worth mentioning about this job is the constant race against time, and within that, the competition among workers. In order to keep a job, one has to be better at it than others and in this case, one must be able to handle the enormous amount of stress and at the same time, work like a machine.

I was minding my own business, trying to concentrate on increasing my speed when my Mum brought my attention to the person next to us. We started at the same time but she has done one and half times more bottles than me. Annoyed and puzzled, I asked my Mum, 'Is she fast or am I slow?' My Mum looked at me strangely and replied,' Aren't they the same thing?!'

This is where the problem arise. They do not mean the same thing, do they?

If she is fast, then I should not be bothered by her speed because she probably has been in this line forever and her practice and experience would have given her the extra advantage over newbies like me. However, if I am slow, I will have to think of ways to speed up so that the team's progress will not be hindered by my speed, or the lack of it.

Taking the question literally, I do sound like a retard but what bothers me more is that most people don't understand half the things I am trying to get across! Even my own mother!

Haha

The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

Arthur looked at him as if he'd gone mad and, seeing nothing to indicate to the contrary, realized that it would be perfectly reasonable to assume that this had in fact happened.

His mouth started to speak, but his brain decided it hasn't got anyhting to say yet and shut it again. His brain then started to contend with the problem of what his eyes told it they were looking at, but in doing so relinquished control of the mouth which prompt;y fell open again. Once more gathering up the jaw, his brain lost control of his left hand which then wandered around in an aimless fashion. For a second or so the brain tried to catch the left hand without letting go of the mouth and simultaneously tried to think about what was buried in the ice, which is probably why the legs went and Arthur dropped restfully to the ground.

Seriously, Haha.

Start and End

This week has been really really busy for me and I am so happy that it is the end of the weekdays. (or should it be the start of the weekend)

I used to take the end of the weekdays and the start of the weekend as the same thing, until today. After 5 days of intense work and little sleep, I cant wait for Friday to end; it was then that I realised I am not exactly looking forward to the weekend. It is not that something dreadful is waiting to happen, it is just that I really do not have the energy to do anything, not even sitting on the sofa to rot. It is complicated, how can I be happy that Friday is ending and unhappy that Saturday is starting?

Can there ever be a time where the end of something is not the start of something else? Probably not, if we are talking in terms of time.

Almost lover.

Almost Lover
A Fine Frenzy

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind, images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes, clever trick

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you?d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me images
And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you would never ever forget these images, no

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot try the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Why can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Heart-breaking songs always make me scared to fall in love.

Courage, really?

Did you know, when you are getting up from your chair, your thigh, arm and stomach muscles are all involved in that simple movement. The reason I know this is because I am having a whole body muscle ache, where every action has a ten times worst reaction. The pain, especially the abs, is so excruciating that everytime a turn, I wake up from my sleep.

Naturally, I was dreading the second training, more specifically the routine that trains(or kills) my abs. Just then, a quote from To Kill A Mockingbird popped into my head. It suggest that courage means 'It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do.' I figured that what I was about to do was a test of my courage. Keeping this in mind, I started doing those killer sit-ups.

After a long while of struggling, I only completed one sixth of the total number I have to do. Desperation made me see that quote from another perspective. It suggests that stupidity means 'It's when YOU KNOW you're licked before you begin but YOU BEGIN ANYWAY and you (STILL) see it through NO MATTER WHAT. YOU RARELY WIN, but sometimes you do,' but the fact is YOU RARELY WIN!

:)

I took a simple game of Stupid to make me realise that life can be much more fun if we know when to let loose. When I am concentrating on only talking to people of the same stupudity level (your stupidity level increase when you talk to people of a higher stupidity level) and not being the last one to put my finger on my nose (you put your finger on your nose when you get four similar cards or when others got four similar cards. The last person to do so gets her stupidity level increase by one), the game becomes so serious and routined and the fundamental aim of having fun is forgotten.

The game only started to get a little more interesting when I stop caring so much about staying "clever" and start making conversation with others. Of course, I am one of those with very high stupidity level at the end of the game but I am definitely one of those who had the greatest fun. Now, whose the stupid one.

Grenade

I’d catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I’d jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya
I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby
But you won't do the same

When I first listen to this song on the radio, I liked it immediately. It was something different from all the other songs and of course, vastly different from his previous single, Just The Way You Are. However, taking a closer look at the lyrics, I freaked out. Seriously, if any guy is to proclaim his love for me in this way, I will never ever fall in love with him. The impression I get is that this guy is selfish, narrow-minded, unreasonable, crazy and an absolute control freak.

The very first thing a person needs before he/she can love someone else is love for himself/herself. If you cant even treasure yourself, love yourself, you dont deserve the love of others and is also naturally not in the position to love someone else. I have never been in love before but I have an idea of what my love should be like; never love the other person more than I love myself. Many people may disagree but this is the only way to protect myself.

Makeup or Glasses?

Finally, today arrived. The event that everyone is most looking forward to after the last day of O Levels: Graduation night. To much disapproval from my friends, I am not going to wear a dress, not because I don't want to but the simple fact that I can't find one that is SUITABLE (I mean comfortable and expresses me). Another reason would be that I am not mentally prepared, yet. I somehow had this impression that if I wore a dress, heels and make-up, I would not be able to recognise the person in the mirrror, so yes, not wearing a dress is also a desperate need to hold on to a part of something familiar. I guess I just do not have to guts to make a 180-degree make over.

I disgress, back to my issue, makeup or glasses? My mum, sister and I tried out the makeup yesterday. Sure, I look better in makeup. Of course who wouldn't if you do it correctly, but something about it is giving me second thoughts. For one, my mum will be busy working and I have to put on the makeup myself. That will be my very first time putting on makeup myself, so what are the chances I will screw up? For Graduation!

More importanly, I can't wear my glasses when I have makeup on. I look comical; according to my sister, a frog. Everything would be tuned to perfect without glasses. You might think, the easiest solution is not wear my glasses (I dont own contacts btw), after all I'm not exactly blind without it. But the thing is, I want to remember every moment of tonight clearly. Tonight is going to be a good night and I do not want to miss out anything. I hate either-or situations. :(

2 years back, ask me the same question, I would have no qualms telling myself to wear my glasses and forget about the make up. My principle then was comfort over everything. Sadly, it is not that simple now. When girls mature into young women, vainity seems to has a bit of a edge over everything else and I am no exception. WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN NOW! TO ME!

Sign. I thought after this discussion, I would have come to a decision. Now, I don't want tonight to come so quickly...

Feel

If only there is a way to not let my heart rule over my mind.
If only there is a way to control what I want to feel.
If only I can not be worried because someone asked my not to.

Haha, if it is really possible, then I would be the most heartless person ever.

Rants

Just finished my physics ten years series, having a headache from lack of sleep from doing D&P prep boards till late at night and waking up early to try to finish it.

IT IS JUST TWO MORE PAPERS TO THE END OF MY O'! BUT WHY DOES IT SEEM SO LONG!

Taken for granted

Mama : (Still quietly) Walter, what is the matter with you?

Walter: Matter with me? Ain't nothing the matter with me!

Mama: Yes there is. Something eating you up like a crazy man. Something more than me not giving you this money. The past fews years I been watching it happen to you. You get all nervous acting and kind of wild in the eyes-( Walter jumps up impatiently at her words) I said sit there now, I'm talking to you!

Walter: Mama-I don't need no nagging at me today.

Mama: Seem like you getting to a place where you always tied up in some kind of knot about something. But if anybody ask 'bout it you just yell at 'em and bust out the house and go out and drink somewheres. WAlter Lee, people can't live like that. Ruth's a good, patient girl in her way-but you getting to be too much. Boy, don't make the mistake of driving that girl away from you.

Walter: Why-what she do for me?

Mama: She loves you.


Can you possibly understand this?

Spark

Firework
Katy Perry

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you?

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby, you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go, oh
You're gonna leave 'em falling down

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

The English Paper

Tomorrow, I will be seating for my O level English paper. The one subject I have worked so much harder for and failed myself so many times before.

For the past few months, I have tried everything I can think of to improve from english grades. From listening to BBC to trying to adopt an accent (luckily, I failed miserably) to organising a 'Speak good english campaign' to Read-newspaper-everyday-movement to start learning english for the very basics. True enough, my english did improve but the question is by how much and if it is enough to secure me a good grade (A1 or A2) for the upcoming exam? I sincerely hope that I will do myself proud and prove that hardwork is the key to success. Never mind all those people with a natural flair in this language, I can be as good as them if I put in twice, thrice the amount of effort.

The confidence I have in doing well for this subject is as fragile as a sheet of glass. When it is going good, it is going great. However, just one flick scratches it, one knock breaks it. The intense pressure to write as well as the previous essay, not even better, is sometimes overwhelming. If you think after failing myself so many times, I ought to have gotten used to it but everytime just feels like the first time. Yet, this process of failing is the most important factor to my possibly success.It is exactly this feeling of defeat that I try so hard to do well. It is because after going through all the pain that I imagine the taste of success will be so sweet.

Apart from this, support from my teachers and friends is a crucial factor to my possibly success too. Sometimes, knowing that somebody believes in me when I am at the lowest and cannot possibly believe in myself gives me the reason I need to fight the uphill battle all over again. Even though the outcome of this battle is not out, somehow I know that the result does not matter as much as before.

Honestly, there is nothing much I can do for the next 17 hours to make a significant change. All I can do now is to believe that my best is enough.

Tomorrow, I will be seating for my O level English paper. You know what, I'm am going to trash it!

If I can write like this tomorrow...

What have we become

From To Kill A Mockingbird, "Cry about the simple hell people give other people - without even thinking. Cry about the hell white people give coloured folks, without even thinking that they're people, too."

This book was first published in 1960 and I believe since then, many people would have read it before. Sadly, it seem that we have not learnt much from it. This quote was said by Mr Dolphus Raymond to Dill and Scout, when Dill was crying uncontrollably at the way Mr Gilmer was doing Tom Robinson. The quote refers to the unjustified ways people are treating people, without a tinge of basic respect and consideration.

Recently, 18-year-old undergraduate Tyler Clementi jumped of the George Washington Bridge into the Hudson River because his roommate had streamed a video online of his sexual encourter with another man. Closer to home, a sex video of two ACJC female students was circulated around the campus. This has lead the duo leaving the school.

After so many millions and billions of years of living, have we not learnt anything about tolerance, consideration and respect? Is it possible for us to just take a minute and think about the consequences of our actions, before committing an act that will not only destroy somebody else's life, but also scar many others? Can we just stop being so self-centered?

From A raisin in the Sun, "while I was sleeping in that bed in there, people went out and took the future right out of my hands! And nobody asked me, nobody consulted me - they just went out and changed my life!"

Many would have blamed what we have become today on technology, that because anything is possible at just a button away, it is so much easier to make someone live in hell. With Facebook, Youtube and blogs, the key to someone else's past is in your hands. So is the future. However, before technological revolution came about, people had long started judging and discriminating people who are different from who they are, which makes me wonder, has education done us any good? After acing all the examinations, have we learn to be a more understanding and accepting person? Have they taught us the right way to treat people because that is the way we would want to be treated? It is poignant to know that as literacy rate have been rising in many countries, we are not as educated as we seem. We still make similar silly mistakes as before.

As much as this is overused, we cannot deny that 'with great power comes great responsiblity.' It is obvious that the developement of technology has been far too fast for humans to handle. If there is nothing we can do to slow it down, we just have to work much harder than before to educate ourselves the importance of respect and tolerance in today's society. It is time we mature. It is time we try to understand that people live like they do because that is the way they want to live and we are in no position to judge at all.

Life is but a dream

If "life is but a dream", is life a dream?

For the whole of this day, I was going around asking people, if they think life is a dream based on "life is but a dream". Majority of the people thinks that life is a dream but I think otherwise. Life is certainly not a dream.

I feel that there are several factors that affected our differing perception.

When taken into context of the rhyme,

Row row row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily merrily merrily merrily
Life is but a dream

Life is a dream because everything seem so easy.

However, when it is taken out of context, it can go either way and what a person thinks depend on the tone she expresses it with. Let's say the tone is very relaxed, then she might be inclined to think that it is a dream; but when you add a note of seriousness to it, it appears that life is not a dream.

I came up with this after talking to my english literature teacher. Initially, she said that life is a dream but after considering my point of view, it seems that my interpretation is not wrong either. While she was debating with herself, she tried changing the situation into 'George is but a boy,' which I think is pretty funny because everyone would naturally think that George is a boy because usually George refers to a boy. but that is not the point. She gave me a convincing explanation that taking the line is context and metaphorically, life is a dream.

This experience is totally different from the one I had with my english teacher. When I asked her about it, she insisted that life is a dream because that is the right way to interpret it. I told her about my interpretation and she negates is immediately claiming that she can't be my english teacher if she can't answer this question (it is quite ironic here as even though she did answer the question, she did not explain the answer, which is the role of a teacher) and that I interpreted otherwise because my english foundation is weak.

It is funny how I accept one explanation and not the other though they mean the same thing. Maybe, Life is what we believe in, be it a dream or not.

Life after prelim

is very boring! There is really nothing to do other than the test papers, the test papers and the test papers.

Smile

Cause when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while.

True smile only appears when you are not aware of it.

I meant...

If only we can learn how to express ourselves accordingly to the situation. Ironically, I really cant seem to form a coherent paragraph now so, just try to undestand what I mean.

Assuring and reassuring that everything will be fine, though we know things ain't going to be that simple.

Blame it on the victim, that he/she got that coming.

Ignore, put on that really ugly face and give that attitude we all know too well.

The mediator. Always know what to say, hopefully at the right time.

Sometimes, I don't have a single clue how to get everybody to understand what the other really meant. This means that there is a really huge crack in the relationship.

If you know what I mean.

Worth

"It amounts to the same thing, of course, but the rich people feel better knowing they've paid a fortune." Fire by Kristin Cashore.

So, how does that make the poor people feel?

Hm..

I can't decide if Singaporeans are lazy or not.

After we alight from the train:
Either we are too lazy to walk a further distance to the escalator, so we take the stairs
Or we are so lazy we can't take the stairs and need to walk to the escalator.

What say you?

The Moment

The torchlighting ceremony was much more than I had imagined.

When Mrs Lee passed the torch to me, all I could ever think of was it was a dream come true. I had wished to be a torchbearer when I was a kid after watching the Olympics on television. I dreamt that someday, I may be able to represent Singapore on an international stage and carry the Olympic flame into a stadium full of people. Only this time, it was better than I thought as the people celebrating with me are my friends and it was celebrated in my school.

A shove the the middle of the stage, I snapped back to the current situation. Blasting flashes came from every corner as I struggled to smile. This was something that was not rehearsed at all and I had no idea how to deal with it. Just then, the minister urged me to start the relay and I followed the only insruction given. On my way to the track, I caught sight of my mother. Looking at her insignicant effort to steal a moment of her daughter from the media, my heart went out to the woman who always try to give the best to her daughter. I slowed my pace to a stop and gave my mother her moment and genuine smile was captured.

As the journey of the flame progressed for another 15m, I saw the Council. It was pretty funny then as I could not hear a thing they shouted and only saw their mouths wide open. However, it was relieving and comforting to see them as they were the only fmiliar people thus far and it meant a lot to me that my friends are there to share the moment with me. This was followed by the roaring support and excitement of my classmates, where I stopped to have a picture taken with them. Then, I passed the torch to Natasha before disappearing into the crowd to cheer the others on.

It would have been a perfect experience if this had not happened. Somewhere along the track in between the Council and my class, a lady running beside me fell. I was going to stop to help her up but that was not an option for me as I was immediately surrounded by other people. Initially, I could not believe what had happened. How was it possible for one to ignore another's fall and seize the opportunity to come closer to the flame. It disgusted me to think that there are people who do not mind taking advantage of another's misfortune in order to achieve his/her goal. For me, this is just not the way things should be done.

Another thing was the interviews. I dont wish to go into details but I would like to thank Natasha, Wendi and Roobini for all your graciousness and understanding.

Lastly, I would also like to thank this very important person. She sent the four of us a text message to remind us about the most important thing we ought to do. With all the excitement, I indeed forgot the most important thing I had to do; to be thankful for the people who had made this possible. So, a BIG THANK YOU to all the teachers, performers, PSG and students who had contributed in any way to this event. And of course, to Miss Tan, who taught me the value of humility.

Volunteerism

For every ten people who think Community Involvement Programme is nothing but a waste of time, there will be one who finds it meaningful. Indeed, CIP is not the best way to educate young people about compassion, but it is one of the more efficient ways to get youths to start caring for the community. Therefore, I feel that the requirement of minimum 6 hours of CIP is necessary as it marks the beginning of volunteerism for some. For the others, more have to be done to encourage a more proactive attitude about volunteerism.

Wobble

I went for training this afternoon after mother tongue listening compre. Glad that I finally excercised but I'm kinda suffering now. My arms and legs can hardly move, only my fingers can though they tremble sometimes. Its not really aching, its just no strength, like jelly. Despite that, I'm feeling so much better now, like more alert.

Now that there is hardly any OTHER work, I have more time for studies, which made me realise that I quite like studying, like learning new things. I told my mum and she thought that I was crazy but almost immediately, she said, 'then I expected better results for your Os.' Yes, bad move for me. Also, since I have a little more time, I took up reading, something that I forsake quite a long while ago. I enjoy it!

Dynamite by Taio Cruz
I throw my hands up in the air sometimes,
Saying ay-oh, gotta let go.
I wanna celebrate and live my life,
Saying ay-oh, baby let's go

Skypark

Feeling like I could fall but knowing I wouldn't :D

A sweet escape.

This week only consisted of four working days but it is really a long and tiring week. With never-ending geography questions to do, the many various tests and remedials kicking in and on-going AEP Coursework, there is no doubt that I am SO TIRED OF BEING SO TIRED ALL THE TIME!

However, I am really happy today:) My Aunt got a hotel room at Marina Bay Sands and invited me along. The hotel design is thoughtful and posh. More importantly, smiles greeted me everywhere (except from my fellow singaporeans). I manage to get a dip in the pool at the skypark. Though the weather was gloomy, the scenery was still breathtaking. I can almost imagine how surreal it will look if there was a sunset.

From a certain distance, one looks like he/she is going to tip over accidentally and drop a whooping 57 floors. Closing the distance, I find myself getting cheated. I honestly thought that at the edge of the swimming pool, I will be able to look down at the entrance of the hotel and fear for my life; like the only thing that separates me from floating and dropping is a thin sheet of glass. To my disappointment, there is a drain and a pavement that is not accessible to public. Yes, it did not occur to me how dangerous it would be and that water will be overflowing non-stop without these barriers. Despite that, being able to enjoy the view from the edge of the world is satisfying. Overall, I had a great time there.

Can't wait to go there again!

Holiday Homework

What happened to work hard and play hard? During term period, students make their time in school count by doing enormous amount of schoolwork while juggling with many additional activities. They look forward to each weekend for time to take a breather and of course, catch up on work. After ten long weeks, the holiday they have been waiting for is finally here, but along with piles of holiday homework. Where is the justice in this?

Exhaustion

People feel exhausted more often now than ever before. Living in a fast-paced society deprives many of time to rest. Just like running on a threadmill, the only way to keep up with society's pace is through continuous hard work.

Today is the longest school day I ever had in my life, because chemistry, usually a pleasure, was a torture!

:(

This was me in AEP guys... A confused and dying bao at the bottom and then a dead, bleeding profusely bao at the top.

Myself

Do I decide where do I go first or what do I want to do first?

I expected myself to become more interested in netball after the trip and I did. I was so sure to stop netball and try somehthing new after our season but I'm not too sure now. After watching the high-level games, I am so inspired to continue playing. Seeing how they enjoy the game makes me want to move my feet and work it out. Not sure if I'm naive or what but I somehow believed that its possible for me to do what they are doing. I know that I have not reached my limit yet and I want to try to surpass my limit. I'm addicted to the game.

Then I considered playing netball in JC with a whole new team and the idea turns me off. If I wanted to continue playing netball, I want to play with this team I have now. If I wanted to make history, I want to make it with this team I have now. But, I know its not possible anymore and I really treasured the time we had together. but maybe, maybe, we can make things work?

You know I have been thinking, netballers from New Zealand are called Silver Ferns and netballer from Australia are called the Australian Diamonds. So I say we should have a name for IJ netballer. Any suggestions? I was thinking of IJ Angels. Or Maybe not... But just keep this thought in mind.

Pre-New Zealand

I will be away from today to next Wed to New Zealand and will not be buying gifts for anyone:D
Will try to take more photos!
Peace out!

Random!

1. In chemistry, we learnt that when enough heat is applied to an element, it changes from the solid to the liquid and lastly to the gaseous state. So why is it that eggs harden when you cook them? Like hard-boiled eggs? Is it because eggs are not elements? But water(compound) turns into water vapour when heat... Anyone knows why?

2. The straws we drink from are different. Not just the colour, design, size but also the form. Compare a McDonalds straw and the straw we get from the smoothie shop behind. One had flat end while the other has a point end. Why the difference? Is it because the McDonalds cap has slits and the other does not? So if the straw is pointed, there is more pressure exerted on the cap with no slits when we try to poke it, so as to get an easier access to our smoothie?

3. Did you realise that the M&M's packaing changed, just that tiny bit? It is glossier now, they added a small info at the bottom left corner informing you aboutt the calories and the milk chocolate words are no longer in white. They are a bit yellowish-green. Beneath it, another new addtion, Made with Real Milk Chocolate. Did you notice?

4. Ms Nicole Teo's english is not fantastic, but she is a English teacher. She does not sound perfect when speaking english but she is the best english teacher I have ever met my whole life. And i really mean it.

Little discoveries like that made life more interesting for me. It only happens when I start paying attention to the surroundings. Sometimes, it doesn't feel too bad to slow down the pace of life and appreciate the small little surprises:)

War of the Worlds

Yes, I was watching the show last night while studying for my O levels mother tongue paper today. The plot was stupid and end of story.

However, they brought out something worth talking about, human nature.

Tom Cruise was the only one who manage to get his car working. Possibly the only car in the whole town. He plans a deserted route to Boston to meet his wife along with his 2 children in order to avoid any human contact. However, on the way, they see a long stream of people walking in the same direction. We see old people with their assets in a supermarket cart, mothers holding on dearly to their child and curious and jealous stares from onlookers. Men started jumping and hopping onto the car, some commanding them to stop the car. They pulled Tom and his children out. A fight broke out over the possession of the car. Climax happen when a man took out his gun and shot another man behind the wheel.

This is the true colours of human nature. When our own survivor is at stack, anything or anyone in our way must be destroyed. Even if it means becoming a murderer. At a time like this, it seems like the only possible way to continue living is by ending the life of another living. We cannot judge if his action is right or wrong because that man has no other options. It is a 'I have to do it' and not a 'I want to do it'. One can argue that no one chose to do what he did, but that is because they do not have the courage to defend their own life.

... :(

Can we pretend that airplanes in night skies are shooting stars,
I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now.

Practise

We all know that practise makes perfect. But what happens when you stop practising when you have reached perfection?

Yesterday's training was scary in a way because I was so weak. I can throw and catch, but not to my best of my ability. When I try to push myself, silly mistakes like stepping comes into play. The skills that took months of training to polish is rusty. Now, I can only dream about catching all the 'impossible passes'.

Hopefully, in the next 3 trainings, I will be able to gain better control of my body and not play like someone who has never played netball before.

On a lighter note, I am really excited for the New Zealand trip. Something not felt in the 2 previous trips.

Sparks fly, Its like electricity
I might die, ..... breathe

This was stuck in my head the whole of yesterday.
It is Kissin' U by Miranda Cosgrove

Myself

I am so excited for Founder's Day mass! The only other mass that I have taken part in was the teachers' day mass and I dont exactly have very good memories.

Our name is one the very few things that live with us our whole life. It is a part of our identity, image and personality. Since it is unique to everyone, why is it that some people prefer to call ' That girl over there', 'Hey hey', when they obviously know your name!

IJ Spirit day + IJ Fiesta

We ended Fiesta on a high note before getting our hands down on cleaning up the mess we caused while having fun. The preparation for it was really tiring and sometimes brain damaging but I love it. Nothing made me feel more satisfied, more capable than planning an event and seeing how magic unfolds. Then again, it couldnt have been a success without the Leadership comm, PSG, Alumni, teachers, students and the very efficient group of 7 superwoman and Super leaders!

One new aspect I realised about the IJ Spirit was what Ms Jeya said, spontaneous. The spontaneity I have seen during the event was from everyone ranging from the SLs, students, teashers and EX-IJ girls. You see teachers you would never imagine ( Mr Armstrong, Ms Champion, Mrs Magdalen Low, Ms Nicole Teo) manning a food stall, (Mrs Shirley Yeung, Ms Keriann) getting dunked and (Mrs Low at the Viking Ship with Mr Fausta Tan, which was also at Hoops) playing all the games and enjoying themselves. It is this factor that the IJ environment has cultivated that it has made us a bunch of people with fresh, new, crazy ideas, that are energetic, enthusiactic, dynamic and vibrant. A spirit like these cannot be found anywhere.

Memorable scenes
- Perfect decorations in the hall and around the school
- Whole school singing along during Spirit Day concert
- Mrs Low on the Viking Ship
- Suntanning with my NBSs
- Beatrice and Hanisah trying with all their might to hold up the deflating castle
- Ms Keriann getting dunked
- Whole school singing along at max volume in the canteen
- Wendi and Melissa stressed up with performance and DJs and disobedient wires
- Chaos at the quadrangle
- Valerie and Sheryl painting nails and Nicole doing tattoo
- Awesome audience at the perfoamances
- Everyone cleaning up even though we were dead beat

Now that this is close to being over, I cant help feeling an emptiness in my heart because I will miss planning such a meaningful event.

Results

People are like that, arent we?
We are like that, arent we?

Just showed my mum my results for midyears. All she could say was, 'what are you going to do about the C5 (for ss/geog)?'

In primary, there was this once I did not do well for math, but so did the rest of the level. I explained to my mum and she said she didnt care how the others did and I still have to do well even if the paper was indeed hard. Ever since then, I did not explain to her anymore if I did any subjects badly, or even well. Or how I was compared to the rest of the level. I guess it did not matter to her.

Likewise, this time round, I did not say anything. I am just sad that she did not see that there is an improvement in all other subjects. Subjects that are suppose to stay in the distinction band did and subjects that are B3 and B4 improved by a band. The only thing that slipped was SS/geog. And AEP of course.

It is just so easy to to look at the bad points and ignore all the good points. It is painful to be judge by negative aspects and we are never judge by positive aspects. I guess we are like that. All like that.

And this might be the reason why I am who I am. I cannot fall even if the wall that hit me was the weight if the whole universe. Not falling is not enough, I have to break that freaking wall.

Attention

After enjoying your attention for her whole life, You cannot just decide not to give her the attention and just dont do it. It crushes her. Whats make it worst is that she doent know how to put it across to you that she doesnt feel good and she spents her whole day thinking about exactly what has gone wrong. The only cause of problem she can think is her own sister. But there is no way to know because she does not have to guts to voice it out. Because she cannot be seen as an insecure person, who actually needs your attention. Who actually thinks that she is not good enough to recieve your attention.

The Hurt Locker

I just finish watching The Hurt Locker. It is a good movie but I dont like it. The way it is filmed and especially the music used made you feel like you were almost there. Right where the bomb exploded, where you are caught in a cross fire, running along the streets with unfamiliar faces and language, the heat under layers of protection and the deadly silence. It is like you have to be very cautious about everything and you cant wait to get out of this crazy situation you are stuck in.

Most impactful scenes are when James failed to disarm the come tied to a man. One second you see the man hanging on the little hope he has to be set free, the next he is blown into thin air. The other one was when James stuck his hands into a boy stomach to take the explosives out of him.

We complain our life is damn boring here because everyday is the same thing. Now, I would rather life in this certainty than to live in a place where I dont know when I will be sent into the air in a million pieces. Love the peace and security we have now and say no the war. Say no to living in insecurity, violence, hostility and uncertainty.

Things that went through my mind during the show :
1. From Batman the Dark Knight: Nobody panics when things go ''according to plan''. Even if the plan is horrifying...upset the established order and everything becomes chaos.
2. From To Kill a Mockingbird: Nothing is more deadly than a deserted, waiting street.

Say no.

While you are walking on the streets with your girlfriends, a woman walks up to you. She has long hair, make up on, a fitting shirt, jeans and heels on. She starts telling you that she just got out of prison, gives you a glimpse of this torn and tattered card and tries to sell something she claimed that she made to fund for her schooling. She said she would prefer to sell the card she made (a very simple card with quotes printed on it) for $10 and hope that we will help her. Looking at our reluctance, she decreases the price and offered that we an give her any amount we want. Still, no gesture of reaching out to our pockets or bag, she appeals to our sense of guilt, telling us to give people like her a second chance in life and hopes that the society will accept and not look down on her.

At this point of time, one of your girlfriend took out her wallet. On after another, they did. And it just left with you and another friend who thinks that this is a scam. But due to peer pressure and the woman looking at you with intimidating eyes, breaking you down slowly, you submit to her approaching hand unwillingly.

I always tell myself to just walk away when such things happen but it is never easy.
I always tell myself to stand firm and say no but it turns out a failure everytime.

It is not that I do not want to give ex-prisoners a second chance in life. I respect and admire ex-prisoners who decide to become a volunteer and share their story, set up their own business and truly turning over a new leaf. These are inspiring stories that people should know about because we can learn something from them. Ultimately, this will contribute to a more sensitive, understanding and accepting society.

However, I condemn people who tries to take advantage of the public's sympathy. The way they put themselves are as though they are blaming the society for not giving them another chance and we are responsible for who they are now. They present themselves in a negative light that does not command respect from the public. These people will walk away with what they came for but will that set them free self-pity? Will that allow them to fit in without distrust and with true acceptance?

:)

Cool lady. Like her style and mole. Heh.

Myself

There is a price to pay for EVERYTHING.
I AM GOING FOR TRAINING BECAUSE IM GOING TO NZ!

Just tried to make caramel for my ice cream but kind of failed miserably. Well, the sugar did not burn or anything but the moment I put it on top of my ice cream, it harden. And on top of that, its bitter -.- Someone tell me why!? ):<

Im dying of art while wasting my time with GAGs.

Myself

Havent been very productive over the last 2 days and today. Only finised Geography of Food and Physics. Have not started on literature yet and I am not sure how I can finish 2 books by Wednesday. However, I'm not feeling very guilty because I am well rested and this is so much more important to me than to study. It is better to be alert and have your brain working in the examination hall then to fight to keep your eyes open and get your head to even START thinking. Also, when you are not fresh, careless mistakes will happen all the time.

I really like science a lot. I can do physics woarkout the whole day and dont feel tired at all but I can even do one chapter of humanities, like geography for example. Icant draw all day too, which is why I am going to get another 50 for AEP for mid years, again.

When I do not want to address or think about a question, I will be :
- ignoring the whole time
- pretending that I did not hear
- pretending that something more imporatant had just caught my eye
- scold whoever who brought the issue up
- shout and state that I am very busy now

All these, just to protect myself.

Examination Hall

It has come to this time of the year again, exam!

So many things can happen in a examination hall. My previous few encounters had left me dreading going into that place again. Sadly, I do not have a choice.

During the english exam, I most pulled my hair out because the girl beside me never stop shaking her legs. It may sound ridiculous but you can never understand how irritated I was because I cannot concentrate on comprehending my comprehension.

During the chinese paper, I started out rushing through the first part as I know a will not have enough time to complete the whole paper if I don't. I kept up that pace and it was all good until I chose to look at the whiteboard and the clock to know how much time I have left. Yes! I have another 30 mintutes to finish 3 questions! so I slowed down. Then, the teacher said through the microphone we only had 10 minutes left. I freaked out cause I still had 13 marks worth of questions left undone. All the while, I was cursing the teacher who wrote the time wrongly while trying to rush my answers all out, on;y to realise at the last few minutes, I saw the timings wrongly myself. Tell me who can be any more dunmb than me.

During the SS paper, I started out with my ball point pen as I can write really fast with it. But at the end of the first essay, I had to change pen as my handwritting was like those chine3se scriptures. The second pen I used was good but it ran out of ink halfway through my second essay. So did my third pen and almost for my last pen. Really, how much more dramatic can my life be!

And that people, is only two of the nine days I have to spend in the examination hall.

Monday with no netball match

AEP was fun today:) First ever time I attend a whole AEP lesson in a long while.

Spent all my time drawing and saying stupid things, generally just being retarded and at the same thing, dreading for the time for personal consultation. I really dislike consultation because everytime I look into her eyes, I will be sucked in and cant think properly. The other reason would be that I am too ashamed as I always do not do my work. Just so you know, I am pretty screwed as currently, I only have 10 drawings and I need at least 40 in about 2 weeks time (no very long considering all the time I will be spentding on books) just to PASS.

EL orals was fine today. As usual, said some stupid things (I said personS) but I predicted all those. So overall, it was alright:) I am improving at comprehension!

Got to go back to SS now because I am really behind my study schedule.

If you are reading this, please go back to studying because YOU ARE WASTING PRECIOUS TIME!

Aim for the stars because if you fall, you will fall on the moon.
Inspiring but does not work in current context sadly.

Somewhere somehow, a simple game of netball got so complicated.
It is no longer a game where you play for the fun of it and for the good times shared with your teammates.
Somewhere somehow, other people got involved.
Living up to the standard set so high by your seniors got involved.
Continuity to bring glory to the school got involved.
Having the whole school making sacrifises and depending on you got involved.

It is no wonder why we could never play a simple game of netball ever again.
It is no wonder why we could never enjoy the game as much as we started out to.
It is no wonder why we crumbled and failed not once but twice.

In theory, we should have won this year's Nationals Netball Championships because we "had six starters from last year’s national championship winning team". However, the fact is that we did not and nothing can change the result so stop telling us what could have happen if we did whatever we did not do. You were only watching from outside and never will be able to understand how we felt, just like an old and well-respected chair being sat upon the whole time by a big fat ass, which can never stop growing.

Last Saturday Training

It is the last, and it is the worst.
It is the least enjoyable Saturday training I ever had, even more horrible than those scorching hot sun ones.
I felt so useless. Fancy letting a small cell destroy me like that.
Cannot even do my last triangle to the best of my ability.

But I would admit, this is the first training that I thought that time passed really fast.

At this stage, we just have to give it all out. There is no other way than to the Championships.

How funny that the other schools will be thinking this way too.

"The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I ever had."

Tired.

Im so tired these days that sleeping at 10pm at night is not enough. I still had trouble peeling myself out of bed every morning, actually only this week. Netball is ending in about 3 weeks time, so soon yet so long. When it ends, Mid years is starting and Im not confident is studying 1 1/2 years of works in a day. If I dont do well, might not be able to go to New Zealand.

Had Chinese oral today. Usually, I am quite confident and still can deliver a good one even when I am very nervous. But I totally screwed up today's. Today's is the worse in my whole secondary school life. There is so much to say but I just cant get my expression right.

Right now, I wished for a never dropping parachute to take me up up and away.

Fall

I fell down today. Hard.
The tiles on the floor had no friction, the rain made it even worse and I fell while carrying a big box, while obstructed my view as well as the chances of me breaking my fall. According to my Aunt, boy it was loud. It must be impactful as my glasses flew. I hit the left, back side of my head, my right shoulder and right bottom back. Hopefully, this will not affect my play tomorrow, provided I survive tonight (I might have head concussion you see).

Singapore – the real deal

Armani is not real; it’s only a tailor. BMW is not real; it’s only a car. These examples may be true but it does not matter if people do no care about them. We all know we are paying exaggerated sum of money for a branded bag but we still buy it. The cost price of the bag may not come close to half of the selling price and people know it. However, all these do not mean a thing because we are willing to pay for the brand, the pride that comes with the label.

A brand is like our first impression of a person. We judge someone by the way they dress, how they carry themselves, the people they mingle with and what is said about them. Almost immediately, we decide if we want to walk over and make a conversation. Our image serves as an extension of our personality and sends a message to people about what type of a person we are. By highlighting our strengths and masking unsound features, we successfully market ourselves.

Recognizing the importance of image is crucial because people are getting more and more superficial. We allow ourselves to believe what we are see and often does not take the initiative to look deeper. We decide base on our first impression instead of after a complete assessment is made. Therefore, the real deal for Singapore is to learn how to market ourselves to the world, developing a brand that people believe in, for half the battle is won when we have a good start.

I spend about a day thinking about what to write and at least 2 hours coming up with it. All this is worth it though as it has received good comments. I wonder if I am able to pull this off during the roughly 50 minutes exam. Oh wells.

Changes

Some changes to the new old blog. From now on, there will not be any exits or tags. Too much of a hassle.

Recently, there was much controversy over a 987fm DJ, Rozz, who walked out while her show was still on air. My jaws dropped as the first thing I heard when I turned on my radio was when she said something about the angry one should get out, and she really went on the do that.

When I finally got to understand a little about what had happen, I was like 'Way you go girl!' Remembering the time when Soo, another 987fm DJ was 'forced' to stop coming to work as a DJ as her spoken English, more than occassionally slipped, I was horrified when I heard the advertisement about Ris joining the radio show. The first time tuning in was bad, really. Listening to her giving an update on traffic newswas a torture; even Shan, an Irish, can pronounce the names of roads much better than her, a Singaporean. Not that a Singaporean must know how to pronounce everything street, but at least the more well-known ones like Tampines. From then on, I cringed everytime she speaks, its not only her pronounciation, her tone and speed of speaking is a little awkward too. Cannot stand the untimely pauses. This girl cannot be on the show.

Now that the issue is thankfully over, Ris is gone and Rozz is back, some thoughts came to my mind. This whole act was a public stunt by the station. It was an April Fool's joke. Or is it not?

I actually feet that this might have actually happened and the station is just trying to come up with a 'reasonable' explanation for the audience. I dont think anyone in the right mind would agree to such terms, coming in to host a few hours of show, doing things that you know is going to annoy and frustrate people and more importantly, risk your already damaged reputation. If I was Ris, I will certainly not do something like that, risking my own emotional health by creating more bad media. Not to mention, Rozz had just won the best personality blog and has many supporters, the effect will be doubled. This is an obvious social suicide and I am going to be hurt by the mean remarks though I know it is all part of an act. Maybe, this really happened but we all just want to believe that it is a joke so that we can go back to how it has always been.

But have we ever thought of how Ris might feel, an act or not, towards the mean remarks made? From To Kill A Mockingbird, 'It's never an insult to be called what somebody thinks is a bad name. IT JUST SHOWS YOU HOW POOR THAT PERSON IS, ...' So what does that make of those people who canot express their views without insulting someone else?

Thats all I have to say for now.

Just some words whose meanings I always forget..
Controversial - causing disagreement or discussion
Liberation -when something or someone is released or made free OR used to refer to activities connected with removing the disadvantages experienced by particular groups within society
Morbid - too interested in unpleasant subjects, especially death

I LOL when I saw Miley's performance at American Idol. She never fails to make my laugh with her untimely head banging during emotional songs. Last year at the same show with The Climb and this year with her new song...what was it..When I Look At You. If im not wrong.

Having said that, I feel that her performance is so much better than the performance by Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato. Demi Lovato is fine but I cringe whenever Joe Jonas opens his mouth and try to sing. He is using so much force that it never feels like a good thing to hear him sing. It just so hard, literally.

Sometimes, the netballers are perceived as machines. Due to our frequent trainings, which consist of running distance that some of you run once or twice a year, doing unusual stunts under the hot sun and bearing with ear blowing screams, we have evolved into a team of unbeatable terminators.

However, sad to say, we failed in the finals of the South Zone netball championships two weeks ago. The team was oppressed by the high energy level of the opposing team and nothing was done in attempt to overthrow it. It could be we were not focused during the game or our desire was not as strong as the opponent but nevertheless, we got what we deserved.

As our hearts were not told how to feel and our minds not told what to think about, the defeat meant nothing to us. After the game, daily activities carried on as usual. It was not till a couple days after when training was cancelled, as coach wanted us to reflect about the game, did the truth finally came crashing down on me. I could not believe that the team allowed that to happen. It saddens me to realize that we lost sight of what we want to achieve on the quest of achieving it.

Success is sweet and sweeter if long delayed and gotten through many struggles and defeats. This defeat has re-ignited the flame that once burns in us and I believe it will be the pushing force that is going to send the team the greater heights.

I prefer blogging to facebook and all the other stuff that are coming up. Dont know why but yeah.

Have been thinking a lot about AEP these days. I really want to work a very good concept so that I wont change it mid-way. Got to finalise my idea soon in order to start on my almost impossible-to-complete sketches if I dont start now. Anyway, it felt really good to print out my VAT, the baby I have been working on for the past few month, though I met lots of obstacles while printing and after printing. Shant go into details. XD Bought The Celebrity Mum (a book) just for AEP, dedicated right! (nah, just needed to convince myself that I really need to buy the book and I did)

Birthday was good,, cant believe I'm 16 now. Mum bought me a watch that I really like :D and lots of love from everyone everywhere! I was so excited that afternoon as I thought that I may see Adam Lambert. You see, I was going to Bugis Junction to watch Alice in Wonderland and I found out the day before that he was going to be there. In the end, I didnt see him. He was late and I had to go into the theatre. So disappointed in him. Being a celebrity doesnt give anyone a reason to be late. But anyhow, he is a really interesting character that I would really want to meet and talk over a drink or something.

BTW, Honours day was inspiring. Wondering if I can ever stand up on that stage base on academic results. Not sure if it was Honours day or because I'm in secondary 4 this year, I no longer depend on my mood to study or do homework. I think I am maturing little by little to know that I have to do something and no distractions is allowed.

Is anyone out there afraid of growing old? I was watching the repeat of Oprah Winfrey show this morning, it was about longevity. I really wonder why people want to live into their second century when they have to watch their diet, I'm talking about not eating any meat, occassionally fish and lots of green. Eating good food is so important in my life that I would rather not live if I were to be like a sheep eating grass everyday. I want to live long enough to experience what I want to experince in life and just die. Frankly, I am very scared of seeing myself in the mirror, with all my skin sagging, freckles and bumps all over my skin and wailkng at snail's pace everywhere (never thought that wheelchair is an option). I WANNA GROW OLD GRACEFULLY! (dont wanna be young forever cause that would be real scary)

Telephone Lady Gaga and Beyonce
Alice Avril Lavigne

I can see the effort = not good enough
This statement can be true and false at the same time.

False:
When do people ever see your effort? They just say it because they have nothing better to say about whatever you are doing. Guilty as charge, I do not care how you have done it so long as you did. If you did not, you are in deep trouble. Well, that is the way our world works. This is why our society is so great because it is competitive. The reason behind this competitiveness is because we are easily replaceable. The reason why we are replaceable is that people judge everything according to the outcome. We do not ever stop to appreciate the efforts out into the work. Not when it is successful and obviously not when it is unsuccessful.

True:
Humans are emotionally charged creatures, especially women. We always try to sugar-coat our words so that it will not sound as bad as it really is. Simply because, one, we know how it feels to be disappointed, knowing that you are just not good enough and two, we care enough to not let our love ones feel the same way we felt. Being tactful is good, but do not cross the line and lie about how good it is. Instead of protecting her, you are setting up the stage for future failure. In contrary, frankness might work some times. It encourages the individual to work on areas of improvement and prevent our ears from blowing. Thats why we love Simon Cowell!

BLah BLah BLah _ Ke$ha

Heh. Has been a month since I have posted. This weekend is one of theose that I have little homework and I am not too busy watching television and finally remembering I still have a blog to take care off. Wonder if anyone out there is still reading but still gotta post something so that I dont feel guilty about negecting this blog. Feels horrible to be forgotten.

Went walking around town yesterday with my Mum, she was in a bad mood and I had to get out of house to get 20 photos for AEP coursework studies on Fashion Accessories. That was the best AEP homework K. has ever gave:D So great I may consider not refering to it as homework.

BTW, did some crazy things with the AEP gals when we werent under the watchful eyes of K.. It was really LOL. We were on the verge of going crazy from VAT. Writting a report of twelve hundred words (I almost died as I thought it was 12000 but Ping said it was 1200. Why the hell cant she say one thousand two hundred?) could be easy for some people but it wasnt for me, and of course not if a GOOD report of twelve hundred words is needed.

Orchard centre is a cool place to visit but not the best for shopping. Love the rooftop garden and interesting stuffs (yes im refering to the tallest woman in the world and the cool flower pots and insects on the floor). But, you will find yourself spending half of the time meandering your way through the ever confusing layout.

Coach :
Ok, noted. Yes, i do trust your group but remind the team that trust is gained over a period of time, but need only one or two bad incidents to lose it.

Awarenees Camp was good.

I broke down today. I'm glad I did.
Courage is a funny issue, I am still surprised how I managed to be courageous enough to confront coach about training today. Not really confront but clarify. Glad and relieved to get it out. The tension was killing me the whole late morning. Even the sun didnt feel as hot as it was. Feeling lost and uncertain of what to do is too much for me. So is having too much time.
Anyway, coach said we will be starting the ultimate drill, triangle, next week. Thinking about it, it ain't that bad. Hope I didnt say this too soon.

New shoes looks good, feels ok but when I knock too hard against it, its like kicking the wall.

Just watch The Blind Side. Sandra Bullock's hair is real bad, storyline line is pretty good(based on a true life story) and cant help but notice again, its the White reaching out, giving a hand to the Black community again. For someone to offer help, i tend to think that the persoon offering help tend to be better off than the one recieving help. So what image are we casting into people's mind now or ever before?

Did something bad, real bad today. Cant disclose it!

Sister is snoring these few days, and its affecting my beauty sleep..

The Middle Jimmy Eat World :)

Adventures of a Pathetic Art Student

Back ground information: Have to finish a sketch every single day, except Sunday.
Way behind schedule.

Location: In School, Places behind the school

Chapters: The Case of the Drain Cat
The Case of the Runaway Car
Searching : BMW Car
Searching : Cat (Found)
Searching : Unsuspecting Elderly
Searching : Bicycle

Main Point : A lot of effort put into to trying to complete a perfect sketch but effort not seen / appreciated. :(

WHAT A BOTHER!

Got a new year resolution yet?