FML

FML. I just wrote a post about life right after As and accidentally deleted it. Too lazy to write again. So far so good. Urg.

Just reading Lit

‘All comedy, is tragedy, if you only look deep enough into it.’

Thomas Hardy

Comedy’s optimism is an artificial and selective view of the world. I really didn't see this perception until now.

One of the many reasons why I am so glad that I took Lit :))

Just read an article about Saudi Arabia's intention to build an industrial city just for women and I really like the author's conclusion.

"If the cities fail, it will, no doubt, be seen as a sign women are not fit to run businesses. But if they turn out to be a success, more will be built, and women will be more segregated than ever – disappearing even further from the public sphere. So maybe the answer is for women to not just welcome the cities, but flock to them, close the doors, and refuse to leave until the kingdom’s rulers understand just what it is like to live without women."

Integrity and Hypocrisy

Integrity means the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles that one refuses to change.

About a week ago, after hearing Mdm Annie Yong’s morning devotion (every morning, there will be a sharing by either a student, teacher, anybody before a prayer), the issue of integrity and hypocrisy plagued my mind. I came to realize that actually, everyone is a hypocrite, only to different extent. We tend to have double standards, and it is a problem when we are stricter with others than with ourselves. Sometimes, we are aware of the difference in treatment, sometimes we are not, but nevertheless, it happens.

So after the devotion, I remembered about a friend of mine, who said that I had double standards. When he first told me that, I did not believe him, simply cause I was so full of myself. That day, I texted him about it and he sent me a long and detailed message, giving examples of how I had double standards. At first, I was taken aback by the frankness of the text. Then, I thought back and agreed with what he said. But following that, I actually made up reasons for why those discrepanciies happened. I was horrified, I knew they were true, yet I could still think of excuses for them. Then guilt came along. Just who have I become...

In those short moments after recieving the text, I had this array of emotions flooding through. But thinking back now, some of the excuses I made were legitimate. Then came the bigger problem. Until then, my world was purely black and white. I knew about the grey, but it just didnt exists until then. Now, my world has become a little more complicated. My black and white are possibly not what they used to be, and now the grey! Where is that? Where should it be? How do I draw the lines!? Are there even lines?

I have no answers to these questions, the best I can say is I've got to consider things in context, based on the situation. Yet at the same time, I've got to decide now what's acceptable and what's not, if not, what if when something happens and in a moment of folly I make a decision that is against my values? I will regret it for a long time. (I find it hard to forgive myself when I make mistakes)I dont know.

 I dont know anything but the only thing that I am sure of is I, we must always try to live with our values, to live by a strict set of moral code that we set for ourselves, even though at times we may unknowingly break them. As people, it is inevitable that we make mistakes, so I guess what is more important is being able to recognize these mistakes because only then will we be able to take conscious steps to rectify them. We will never not be a hypocrite, but I guess as long as we try our hardest not to be one, nothing too bad can go wrong.

Back in Action HAHA

Havent wrote in a while and I kinda miss writing a little. Dont really know who is going to read these posts that I'm going to write but I guess that is not really important. I kinda dont want anybody to see these though, but yet I'm posting stuff on this really public platform, so I guess I dont really know what I want either. But one thing for sure, the main purpose of writing again is for me to record down the little things that happened in my life, that will be forgotten in time to come but should not.

Forcing food down my throat so I won't choke on my tears.

I hate it when we have a fight, I am the only one to be reduced to tears.

It was terrible. I could always come up with a plan even though it may not be good, but at least I had something to fall back to. Just now, I was lost in my own writing. My own writing.

I went on and on about the same point not because I dont have another point but just that it vanished from my mind while I was harping on the old point. At a point in time, I was actually ashamed of my essay because it honestly is an insult not only to my intellect but also to his abilities as a teacher. I was so tempted to not hand it in, knowing that it will only be a waste of his time reading it.

After the paper, I couldn't not meet his eyes.

There is only this number of times that one can convince herself to keep going after setbacks.

There is only this number of times that one look on the brighter side of life and admit, 'ok, I am not good in this area, but I am good in that.'

There is only this number of times that encouragement from friends can take you through anything.

At some point of time, she wonders if she is really that good, or is she even good.

Hanging on to her past achievements, she finds herself lost in others' shadows, struggling to distinct herself from those that are just drifting by..

So Hard.

Everyone said it's not going to be easy, but no one said it was going to be this hard. I kind of expect something like this to happen but not to such a great extent. How is it possible that no matter what or how I do it, I can never seem to get it?

I would consider my life to be smooth-sailing until maybe recently. True, I had setbacks but nothing too great that I can't overcome. And, I always had this group of super-friends to be with me through it all. No matter what happens, I always had that weird confidence that I will pull through. I really need that faith in myself now.

I think it's partially the change in environment, new friends, new routine (or the lack of) that is throwing me off balance and I really wish I can find the strength to make all these right again, to regain control of my world again.

I'm not used to feeling so helpless and I don't know what to do about it.

I want to play, but not like that.
I want to win, but not this way.
Not this way.








We try to take it slow
But we're still losin control
And we try to make it work
But it still isn't the worst
And I'm craaazzzy
For tryin to be your laaadddy
I think I'm goin crazy

Training

We got to believe in each other and work for each other.


I guess the whole point of training is to correct our mistakes and work on our weaknesses. And I totally missed the whole point of it today.

A reminder [unfinished]

The events of yesterday brought back a lot of memories from the past, specifically that fateful day in 2006, where my team got eliminated from the 1st round of Netball Nationals.

As a young kid, the world I know of is really tiny and I thought that I can achieve anything as long as I work hard enough. This ignorance about everything made life then so much easier and more fun. I played netball because I love playing netball and I love my team. If I remember correctly, we got North Zone 2nd and I felt that was quite remarkable. I thought that we could achieve the same results in Nationals. How gullible was I.

There were 3 matches in the preliminary round. First game against Marymount and we lost. We didn't play well. We won the second game so the third game was the deciding game if we could proceed to the next round. The opponent (I can't seem to remember which school, I think my brain is trying to protect me from bad memories but anyway) is strong and somehow, deep in our hearts we knew that even at our best, they might still not have a chance. Nevertheless, the team fought all the way to the end, hanging on to the little hope given by our ignorance, that we can win this game if we want it bad enough. When the final whistle blew and the other team didn't jump in joy, I thought we had it. Thinking back now, I can't believe how stupid I was. I thought we won.

But the truth soon came crashing down on me. Tears kept flowing and no amount of encouraging words and hugs made me feel an ounce better. Despair escalated when my Coach tried to hold back her tears but failed and ran to the washroom. That is the worse. Really. All along, my Coach was the one who encouraged us, gave us confidence and made us worked hard and harder. She believed in us. To see our pillar of support fall, that was really the worse feeling ever, not because we didn't win but because we let her down. And I, the captain, had the greatest responsibility. After that, everything was a blur. I vaguely remember the other team getting punished and the other Coach coming over to thank us, saying we truly played a good game of netball, unlike his team. But that did not not matter anymore.

When I was finally able the survey that day's event objectively, I told myself to never let that happen again, no matter what. I am determined to play in a team that will not lose, that will not disappoint and no doubt IJ was the right choice. Of course, in my 4 years of netball in IJ, I did have some regrets, but none was as poignant as that in P6. Maybe because I had the idea that if we don't play well, up to our standard, Coach will get angry obviously, but that will be all. After all, she had coached so many teams and must have been through many disappointments, and it won't matter as much to her if we didn't play well. To a certain extent, my image of Coach was devoid of most human feelings.

Until yesterday, Coach is my eyes was strong and formidable, nothing, nothing can ever take her down. But when she sent that text message, saying those particular words, I didn't know how to react. That was not the Coach I knew. There is a crack that I never saw in my pillar of support. Suddenly, there was a strong need to defend her, to show her that things are not as bad as they seem, she can still count on us.