issit better to have everything or u excel in what u have?

got the house comm results yesterday.
congrats to petrina and sarah toh in successfully getting the vice cap position:D
i didnt get it..
but im feeling ok..its like mayb i didnt wan it that much..
maybe im immune to this kind of feelings.
or maybe im getting mature.

i not the i-want-everything kid that i used to be in the past.
maybe because i hav suffered so much wen i was lik that and it changed me...
it changed me to someone who dont aim so high and happy with everything i hav now and dont just think that i wan everything without thinkin if i hav time for them anot then wen all the stuff comes 2gether and i get so stress that i dunno what i wil do to myself and the problems in hand.

but i kind of miss my old self..
that i want everything i cnt get and dont have self.
these character makes me work even harder than i ever thought i could hav.
in the end, if i get it, i am happier than anyone else who got it too.
if i dont get, i am sadder than all those who didnt get it.after some recovery period, i work hard again.this process goes on and on till i get what i want.

i remembered how this character of my worries my mum that she cnt hold it any longer and tells me.

'u noe that u are too competitive?and u cnt take failure..u want everything that is the best but somethimes u cnt deal with what comes with it or the failure that u didnt get it..and these really upsets and worries me.u r lucky that u can deal with those that came in ur life so far..
but what will happen if someday u cnt deal with it?what if some day u xiang bu kai and jump off the building?what will happen to me?to ur grandmother?(who dotes on me more than other grandchildrens she have)to ur aunt?(who is like my 2nd mother cus she dont hav a daughter so she dotes on me like i was her daughter.love her alot.really appreciate her love.i learned alot from her)to ur dad and sis?i will lose a girl that i brought to life and fed for 12 yrs.'~and i stil remember what my reply was.'i wont.'i can imagine now how much i have hurt her then.

maybe its because of this confession of my mum that i started to think about what she said wen i was older(actually only one yr older wen i was sec 1.)she told me all this wen i couldnt make my decision wen i was in p6.whether to go the rgs, cedar, SSS of where they want me to go, xin ming or st nicks.surprse that u dont see ij here cus ij only came to my rescue from misery wen my parents dont wan me to go to SSS cus too far then hav to stay there, cedar wen trransport was a problem, xim ming and st micks which i really dont like and rgs, which i 4got to hand in all the materials, testimonial and stuff...then the coach thought that i dont wan to go there so she didnt ask me again.ij saved me.

i dont regret my decision in coming to ij.with all that i hav now, i cannot complain anymore.i remembered how upset i was wen im in sec 1 and not in main 7. i ask my prim sch coach y i wasnt in main team at the end of the season wen i only got to play wen jaime got injured.issit cus im not gd enough..then she told me not.she told me that the rgs coach was so sad and wasted wen i didnt manage to get into their sch due to some miscommunication.she encouraged me to continue to work harder and i wil get the results.well, at least i noe that in the world, there are still some ppl who recognise me.so after that, i was determined to show coach mun what i hav got.i dont want stop doing something i really love and i want to live with no regrets.this applies to me now that in b'div, the competition is so strong.we have so many strong player and u just need one mistke to be out of the running or u just need one good play and u r selected.i will always remember what me jo teo said, in nature, only the strongest will survive.

it was this never-back-down attitude that i like anout myself in the past.
now, it is this positive thinking me that i like abou myself.

have no idea why all this memories came to me and before i knew it, my fingers are doing their job.im feeling so much better now to realise that it took my really long and hard time to reach where i am now and i am not going to let anyhting, ANYTHING(which include my feelings) to snatched it away from me.i will be contented with what i have now and will continue to work harder to reach my pacer(which is also my aim for my secondary sch life) and finally run beyond her.yes i wil do that.+